Family Matters: Building closer ties with your children

One of the chapters that needed an almost total rewrite was the neurobiological chapter and that, along with a comment from a colleague involved with the local Circle of Security program (https://www.circleofsecurityinternational.com/) prompted me to think about what I wanted to share in the column this week.

The neurobiological research shows us that early life experiences have a major impact on life-long outcomes and sometimes the impact of these early life experiences is transmitted to the next generation.

For example, chronic stress in the early years alters brain functioning in ways that make it more difficult for children to manage their emotions and manager their levels of emotional arousal (called executive functioning) and this is associated with impulsivity and teenage offending.

Children who experienced early life adversity (including out-of-home placement) before they were three years old were found to have smaller hippocampal areas in their brains which impacted on their stress regulation system.

Issues with stress and emotional regulation continued as they grow up and impacted on their ability to function as parents, thus creating a child-rearing environment that impacts on their children’s development.

The good news is that these impacts can be modified. The key factor that makes a difference is the quality of the relationships these children have.

Our ability to engage in these kinds of relationships is partly determined by our own biochemistry (which of course is also influenced by our own early life experiences).

Oxytocin, a neuropeptide, helps us establish loving relationships. Oxytocin is released during child birth and lactation but it is also released when you spend time with a baby.

Research shows higher levels of oxytocin in fathers and other family members who spend time with their babies, and these higher levels of oxytocin help then build loving, caring relationships.

The key to building these loving relationships is what I call inter-actional synchrony. In other words, being responsive to the cues babies send out to us.

When your baby is crying and you interpret that signal as a need for comfort and respond appropriately, you are “in sync”. If the cry is communicating discomfort from a wet nappy and you provide comfort then (hopefully) you will read the continued crying as communicating your interpretation was not correct so you try something else until you get it right.

Reading babies’ non-verbal cues is trial and error initially, but the longer you spend with the baby the better you get – you heard the cry last time, you tried a cuddle, that didn’t work so you tried the nappy change and that did work. So the next time that you hear that particular cry you go straight to the nappy.

The family arrangements you have in place impact on the time you can spend with your baby and therefore on your capacity to learn to read your baby’s communication.

Some families have one main carer and one who goes out of the home to earn money (thus not able to spend as much time at home with the baby).

If the latter is your role you can sometimes feel inadequate – you are not as good at reading the baby’s non-verbal signals as your partner simply because you have not had the opportunity to put in the time. 

It is possible to learn some tricks – learning to watch for subtle behaviours that accompany the cry might help you decide if it is a wet-nappy or an I-need-a-cuddle cry.

This is all about emotional availability – being able to immerse yourself in the interactions between you and the baby and ignore the mobile phone for a bit, turn the television off for a while and just enjoy togetherness.

And you can enjoy it when you feel comfortable you know what you are doing.

The local Circle of Security program is available for men to help with this - contact Michael or Laura 6775 4200 or Chris 6776 9600.