I will never forget the first time I heard a flustered parent react to out-of-control children. Her response: "Makes you realise why some animals eat their own young." I laughed but I understood her exasperation.
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I remember teaching SRE at Liverpool Girls High School and wishing that their parents had eaten their young. I used to go from class room to staff room and admit my theology was greatly challenged. I believed that God created all things but I wasn't sure about Year 7 and 8 girls.
Of course, when I had my own Year 7 and 8 daughter, my theology was further challenged. I wondered if someone was spiking their sandwiches and the only problem with Michael Carr-Gregg and Elly Robinson's book, The Princess Bitch Face was the lack of a companion volume for boys.
The fortunate thing about my theology is that it does not allow us to eat our young and speaks of redemption and the possibility of God making a person a new creation.
These were the days after I had opinions about parenting and at a time when I had no opinion other than a will to survive.
My wife used to say to me if you think our children are difficult to parent how much more do you think God the Father has to put up with in dealing with you. Harsh, but helpful for perspective. Interestingly it took the death of Jesus Christ to redeem God's children. It is really quite encouraging to think the God of heaven would go to those extremes to express his love for children like us.
Well, raising our children didn't kill us, but I did gather some really helpful advice about the seasons of parenting which I think are worth sharing. It spoke to one of the biggest errors a parent can make and an error that can mess up a potential and brilliant future relationship with our children.
It began with the person telling us that our little children are not to be seen as our friends and that friendship was something to work towards. We were encouraged to consider the journey towards friendship in this way:
0-5s the parent is the boss. The parent rules and governs the journey of childhood;
6-12s the parent is the player-coach. The child gets to play the game of life and make some decisions but always in the company of the parent playing alongside them;
13-19s the parent is a sideline coach who can offer advice and wisdom on how life should be played while the child has some freedoms to play the game as they see it. Of course the sideline coach has the authority to bench the player if they act inappropriately;
If the previous three stages have been done well, the 20s should see a maturity that issues in a friendship between parents and child. This is the time when your child would normally be mature enough to live independently.
This of course does not mean a parent becomes superfluous but rather, having banked love and trust in the relationship it becomes a time of friendship where a mutual respect is enjoyed and wisdom shared.
I guess the age categories could be argued a little but as a guide this is helpful advice. The responsibility of parenting requires us from time to time to be tough, to exercise discipline and train our children in the way they should go so they will be a blessing to others and not a curse. Try to be your child's friend before you are their parent and you will inevitably spoil them, and I mean spoil.
Finally, I offer this warning to parents whose children have grown up. Don't continue to treat them as children or they will resent you. Relate to them as a peer, respect their decisions and encourage them like you would a friend. Remember, these are the offspring who will be looking after you when you get old.