Every parent knows the dilemma: treat them too softly and you fear spoiling them; treat them too harshly and you risk hurting them emotionally and, in the really bad cases, even physically.
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Pamper a screaming child and you think they might manipulate you; ignore him or her, and they might be damaged emotionally.
What to do?
Fortunately, there is a wealth of sound professional knowledge, much of it based on common sense, and even science, on offer.
Centacare, the social services agency of the Catholic Diocese of Armidale, has some answers, with a session in Glen Innes next Wednesday.
According to Pedro Sousa who will run the “Practical Parenting” session, there are broadly three styles which he calls “the brick wall” (unresponsive, harsh and authoritarian – you tell the child and the child must obey); “the jellyfish” (anything goes; the child can go and do whatever he or she likes, plenty of warmth and empathy but no limits and no problem solving).
Or “the backbone”. Backbones are strong but flexible, says Pedro, so the relationship with the child is clear, with the parent setting rules but with warmth and communication.
“Things are negotiated rather than imposed”, as he puts it. This is particularly true of parenting teenagers though his session concentrates more on younger children, from babies up to pre-teens (up to twelve years old).
If it all sounds a bit pie in the sky and remote from your experience of actually dealing with a screaming child, he offers tips. The charity’s work is based on experience and the best professional knowledge. It’s a Catholic charity but with worldly advice.
“We don’t judge parents’, he said. “All we want to do is to give them tips that could take some of the stress out of parenting because it’s a tough job”.
And he has a mountain of useful information.
He says it’s about what parents may already be doing right but which they might do more of or others may learn from. For example, he says there’s not much use trying to talk to a child when he or she is upset – they can’t comprehend the information. That’s the time to make a connection with the intention of communicating more concrete information later.
He has interesting information: research indicates that the biggest predictor of success in later life isn’t intelligence or school performance but whether a child has learnt self-control.
Teaching a child that is a mixture of imparting love and firmness.There is no easy answer but he says the workshop will offer real and practical help.
It’s at the Glen Innes Pool House on Wednesday, July 25 between 10 am and 3 pm, but you’ll need to register with Centacare New England North-west on 6738 7200 or 1800 372 826.