These days we hear more and more about how important parenting is, and how what we do with our children has life-long impacts. It’s pretty scary stuff and it is not surprising that sometimes we feel totally overwhelmed by this life-long commitment.

It doesn’t help when our friends all tell us of the wonderful things they do with their children (and we worry that we are not good enough), all the online parent blogs and fora suggest all sorts of marvellous things we can do with our children (and we worry more that we are not good enough) and all the early childhood educators we see seem to manage large groups of children effortlessly (and we worry again because we struggle to manage our own children).

We can read all about different parenting styles (and worry endlessly about where we fit into the picture).

Much of the research that underpinned the parenting style movement came from middle-class American families. If you are middle class, and living in a relatively advantaged neighbourhood, the chances are that operating in a democratic way with your children will really help them develop and grow.

That means explaining decisions, helping them learn the things they need to think about when they in turn have to make decisions. You might, for example, say something like this to your five-year-old: “No, you cannot go down to the park alone. There is open water there and you are not able to swim well enough for me to be sure that you will be safe if you fell in. I am really busy right now but I know you would like to run around. I can come outside now and move the car so you have space to run or you can wait for an hour till I finish this job and we can go to the park together for half an hour. You choose.”

Children given clear boundaries, instructions as to what to take into account when making decisions, and the warmth that goes with parental recognition of where they are coming from, tend to grow up to be confident adults who are not afraid to make decisions, but who also learn to accept the consequences of their decisions.

However, if you are NOT middle class, and perhaps you are living in a neighbourhood where there are many more risks, this kind of democratic parenting style is not as effective as a stronger authoritarian response. “No, it is not safe in the park. You will not go there today or any other time. You will stay home here where it is safe and if you need to run around then you will just have to jump up and down on the spot right here.”

In this context, authoritarian does not mean cold or unfeeling; rather it means very clear rules and expectations. Research demonstrates that the more unsafe the neighbourhood, the more effective it is for parents to lay down the law and stand by their decisions, while at the same time showing their children they care.

In the end, as parents we do the best we can in the context of our lives. Sometimes when we are absolutely worn out, the response we give to a request is very different than our response to a similar request asked when we are full of energy. That is normal and natural – we do not have to be perfect every minute of the day (or even ever).

All we can do is try our best within the limits of the physical and emotional resources available to us. We have to give ourselves permission to do the best we can and not beat ourselves up when we are not perfect.

A relaxed parent who is calm, confident, caring, responsive and tries to understand children (and getting it wrong sometimes) creates, in the end, a much better environment for children to grow and develop than a parent who is highly anxious all the time, who is stressed and worried, and who second guesses every move and every decision.